Although I usually don’t really celebrate Thanksgiving, this year I gave myself the opportunity to reflect gratefully on this past year. Hands down, therapy has been the best gift I’ve received. Having a growing community of people who are also on their own journeys towards becoming a happier and healthier individual has been encouraging and inspiring.

Although social media isn’t the most credible source, there is still much wisdom and truth in the sharing of people’s testimonies. Mari Andrew, an artist on Instagram, wrote about the pleasure of pardoning a stranger who apologizes for sitting on her front porch when she comes home. This simple forgiveness is easy because the transgression is minuscule, but it is still a valid exercise.

I struggle with forgiveness and am wrestling with it now. The pressure to forgive certain people for events in my life has been growing in urgency lately. At the beginning of the semester, I had angry dreams of confrontation filled with screaming and crying. But as I’ve unraveled my emotions and thoughts in therapy, these dreams have shifted in tone. Now, they’re sometimes about reconciliation and mutual understanding that, despite the past, we still care about each other.

The Christian in that’s been dormant in me is seeing this as an opportunity to make amends, forgive, and live a better life. But I’m still dubious. I don’t actually know if forgiveness will lead to a better life. The old me would have jumped at the effort of making peace, but the current me doesn’t want to make mistakes like I used to. The requirement to forgive is deeply in- grained in me, and I’m trying to figure out if I want to fight it or let it guide me.

I don’t know what it would feel like to forgive. I used to think that for- getting about the past was giving others a free pass, an excuse for the hurt that they’ve caused. Now, I’m not sure what I think about forgiveness, but I can feel the fluidity of my changing opinions. I also wonder if this urge is simply motivated by my desire to be a “good” person, which in itself is a confusing concept.

In the face of the pressure to forgive, I am comforted by the thought that it isn’t necessary. During a therapy session, Dennis LaLonde Psy.D. reassured me that forgiveness was a choice that I get to make. I hold the power of it within myself and no person or institution can pressure me into it.

I think that I really needed to hear this sentiment. Although I’m unsure as to whether I agree, it allows me to be easier on myself and to take the time I need. Hearing from someone else that there wasn’t this pressure and moral obligation to forgive and “be the better person” allows me to feel that I am still a “good” person regardless of my decision.

My moral worth isn’t determined by my inability or refusal to let go. Rather, I can have a more compassionate view towards myself and experience the full spectrum of grief.

Another idea that helps me is that forgiveness is more of an acknowledgement that you and the other party are both human. That entails acknowledging messy relationships, mistakes, and even malice and hatred. But it also means that both parties deserve love, regardless of who gives it to them and whether you want to see it happen.

Like Mari Andrew, I want to build up a practice of forgiveness and experience it daily. I want to feel the freedom that forgiveness brings. To let go of past transgressions and to move into the light. Holding onto hurt and anger continues to hurt me, which is the opposite of what I want. Being hurt the first time was bad enough — I don’t want the cycle to continue and for my wounds to deepen. At the end of it all, I want to forgive as an act of self-love. If anything is impeding my inner peace and happiness, I want to work to dismantle it. With so much in the world around me that is hurtful and hateful, I want a refuge within myself that I can also bring to others.

This Thanksgiving reflection has brought much gratitude, but also a longing for better things to come. As I’m working in my own personal journey of self-improvement and self-love, I hope that the world continues to improve and more and more people will begin to love others as they begin to love themselves.