*Warning: If you’re not caught up on the Bachelor, there are some spoilers in this article.*
Forget the Super Bowl and the Academy Awards, the real drama and competition of television can be found on this season of
The Bachelor
. With 30 competitors, a plethora of tears and booze, and catty contestants willing to do anything to stay another week, it’s almost impossible to come out on top. Almost.
With this guide, you will learn the dos and don’ts of the competition. Given that my expertise consists of being a loyal member of
Bachelor
Nation since 2013, I guarantee that after reading you will be well prepared to compete on either
The Bachelor
or
The Bachelorette
. So, grab a glass of wine and open that
Bachelor
application because you’re already on your way to meeting the love of your life.
DO
: Have a job. Seriously — anything that sounds like a real job. As much as any of us would love to be Cinderella or a sloth for the rest of our lives, all of the show’s winners have had titles that at least sound like real jobs. Professions like “Tickle Monster” and “Whaboom” (Rachel Lindsay’s season) are off-putting. Even if you have to embellish your title a bit, you’ve got to fake it till you make it, right?
DON’T
: Wear an animal costume. Alexis, the Dolphin/Shark from Nick Viall’s season, killed it the first time. She stayed for a few weeks and was definitely one of the most memorable cast members from that season. No other contestant has been nearly as successful. Colton, this season’s bachelor, sent Alex D, the Sloth, home on the first night and Matt, the Penguin, got barely any screen time during Rachel Lindsay’s season.
DO
: Entice other contestants to do your dirty work for you. Why spend your one-on-one time complaining with the bachelor/ bachelorette when you can convince another contestant to do it for you? To paraphrase current controversial contestant, Demi: we’d all love to be a fly on the wall during Onyeka and Nicole’s showdown.
DON’T
: Give the Bachelor/Bachelorette your pet. Sorry, Catherine, this is a dating show, not a pet hotel.
DO
: Be proactive about getting one-on-one time. Look, it’s a dog-eat-dog kind of environment. Formalities are out of the picture. If you’re not getting time with them, it’s up to you to make it happen.
DON’T
: Be scared to open up. While you definitely don’t have to tell your life story on the first night, both you and the bachelor/ bachelorette are trying to find love. Being open with one another can only be the grounds for a happy and healthy relationship!
DO
: Have genuinely entertaining beef with another contestant. Still despise your rival from your beauty pageant days? Think one of your roommates is the “cancer” of the house? Trying to stand up for your bestie? The best way to deal with all of that tension is definitely to fight about it. The better the fight, the longer you’ll last in the competition! (Extra points if your fight is so dramatic that the episode ends with “To Be Continued…”)
DON’T
: Focus on other relationships in the house. Try not to be that person who believes it’s their “duty” to inform the bachelor/ bachelorette that another contestant is “here for the wrong reasons.” Just like Courtney (and possibly Onyeka and Nicole), you’ll be saying your goodbyes by the time the Rose Ceremony arrives.
DO
: Eat the food while you’re being filmed. I can’t guarantee that this tactic will help you, but I just get sad any time I see a gorgeous spread of munchies that hasn’t been touched. The foodie in me was overjoyed when Demi, Hannah B, and Hannah G ditched scavenging through a jungle for food and opted for takeout burgers.
If you do follow all of these tips and still don’t win the show, don’t fret! With your newfound fame and fortune, you’re guaranteed to become a #socialinfluencer. If you’re super lucky, Chris Harrison will extend you the invitation to join the
Bachelor in Paradise
cast. In the end, everyone’s a winner!
