Dear

Spectator

Editorial Board,

I experienced a rather traumatic day last Wednesday, and I happened to notice that

The Spec

is running an article about my misfortune. I am not here to object — I understand the nature of journalism and accept that my mistakes warrant coverage. That being said, I am certainly not happy with the way I have been represented on social media and publications. Therefore, I would appreciate this opportunity to express my perspective on the issue and the events of last Wednesday. You may have seen pictures of me or the damage I caused the College across social media. I have even seen the “memes” on the Facebook page. As a lifelong animal rights activist, I find this offensive and demeaning, but that is an issue for another day.

On Wednesday, Jan. 29, I crashed through the window of a Babbitt single in a mad rush of impassioned fury. Grazing by the side of the building with my mate, I happened to glance up and see another male deer. In a more lucid state of mind, I may have stopped to consider that this in fact was a reflection, or that I was simply looking at a glass window. But lately I’ve suspected my mate of being unfaithful, so the presence of another male deer grazing on our patch of land came as an unwelcome surprise. When I moved to threaten him, he also moved toward me. Such is the nature of a reflection, but as I have said, this possibility had not occurred to me. Therefore, I took the only course of action that I deemed appropriate, especially in the company of my mate.

I charged.

Now, my memories past this point consist mostly of scattered images and feelings: broken glass, dull pain, red spots, cameras, flashing lights, claustrophobia, screaming, and helplessness. My first full memory is waking up in a pool of blood in the woods, my mate nowhere to be found. As I would discover later that night, she was in fact copulating with another male, so my concerns were not entirely without cause.

Regardless, I would like to extend my apologies to everyone involved. I made a poor decision, but one that I felt I had no choice but to make at that moment. Sometimes in life, you will face difficult decisions with little time for consideration. In those moments, you must act without hesitation. And sometimes, in retrospect, you will have been wrong. In this situation, I was wrong, and I take full responsibility for the trouble I caused.

However, I feel that the humiliating public spotlight that has been cast on me due to this incident is wholly inappropriate. While some deer find your “memes,” articles, and various satirical gags amusing, I find them unbecoming of the students of such an esteemed institution. The immaturity that I have witnessed this week has shocked me. I hope that moving forward, we can all view this situation as a learning experience.

If you have further concerns, please feel free to reach out to me at [email protected], stop by my office in the Root Glen, or address a letter to the Hoofed Mammal Institute Clinton.

Sincerely,

Professor Buck I. Deer

This article is of a purely satirical nature and does not represent the views of

The Spectator.