Well, it’s that time of year when the weather is finally nice and sunny and finals are looming in the not-so-far distance. The prospect of a relaxing summer with no readings, essays, or exams grows increasingly enticing. But there’s one thing gnawing at the back of your brain: that person that you’ve been having casual sex with all semester.
Yes, them. You’re not going to see them for three and a half months. Despite having seen each other naked countless times, you’ve never had any sort of conversation that attempts to put parameters on your relationship. And that’s fine! You are comfortable with that; all you wanted was something casual. But, still, it feels strange to go from being so physically intimate with someone to not talking for the entire summer.
On a college campus where hookup culture is the norm, this situation comes up often. The reticence to communicate permeates casual relationships and leads to inevitable confusion. If we have been hooking up every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night for the past four months, what are we? Is it weird to say that I’m going to miss you this summer? Or am I just going to miss having a warm body in bed? Sorting out your own feelings towards this other person is critical in order to figure out how to move forward, or if you want to move forward at all.
Having casual sex with someone is objectively weird. Physically, it’s one of the most vulnerable things that you can do with someone else - — you are entirely nude, after all. There can be a total lack of emotional intimacy, however, which can create confusion. It seems as though we tend to skip all of the beginning parts of a relationship and jump straight to the sex. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this, but outside of the context of a college campus this may seem bizarre. Then, on top of that, this lack of communication comes in as an emotional stopgap, making everything confusing. How can you have done one of the most intimate things with someone multiple times yet not know how many siblings they have? Or what their middle name is? This fear of getting to know the person you’re having sex with can become dehumanizing, and it can depersonalize the relationship entirely. Having some kind of feelings for the person you are having sex with, however, is not strange or something to be ashamed of.
The pressure that exists on this campus to remain commitment-free can lead to a fear of actually admitting your feelings for someone and potentially having a relationship. While I am totally pro-casual sex, I do think that both parties have to be on the same page. Having this type of relationship with someone who wants to be more emotionally involved is not healthy, and vice versa. If you’re unhappy with your situation, say something. The premium that is placed on having someone to consistently hook up with on the weekend is meaningless if you are unhappy.
While all this may be easier said than done, it is something to consider. In order to have productive relationships, we cannot be afraid of simply having a conversation and assessing our own feelings. So, when you are thinking about the last time you will be able to drunkenly text that person, stop and assess how you actually feel about it — you may surprise yourself.
