Image courtesy of The Chicago Tribune
Yup, your favorite stars are back. Sit back, grab some opus, and relax in your hammock. We’ve got some good ones for you.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
You started drinking GT Dave’s kombucha this week after a long night in KJ, spending 30% of your time on work and 70% of the time sending TikToks to your friend (no, they didn’t watch them, they just hearted the text). Now you feel you are on that new wave. What’s next? Matcha? Mate? Honestly, word.
Pisces
(Feb. 19–March 20)
You received trouble in “self, routine, thinking and creativity, sex and love, and social life” on co-star all in one day. You were given a weirdly philosophical yet intriguing applicable description about your day, saying “start isometric exercises and incorporate cucumbers into every meal.” You’re confused — you are thinking, how would cucumbers and cereal even go together? Now you’ve turned to us. Welcome home.
Aries
(March 21–April 19)
It’s that time of the month again. Mars might just be in retrograde. That time where everything is just going perfectly! You thought I meant something else, didn’t you? No, this week is going to be FIRE. Literally don’t change anything. Do everything exactly the way that you’re doing them right now. Thrive in it.
Taurus
(April 20–May 20)
Hey now, it’s ok. We all put our trousers on the same way, one leg at a time! Wherever you end up in life, it’s not the regrets that matter, rather the path you took is the path that you needed to take. Yeah, we know, that was deep. We dabble in inspirational thoughts too.
Gemini (
May 21–June 20)
This week, you will mysteriously wander into the glens, perhaps even to the stalks. This will enlighten you in ways you’ve never imagined. It may feel strange. It may feel bad. Hey, it might even feel good. But one thing we do know is that you will have a clear mind. You’ll truly feel one with nature.
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
Hey sweetheart, it’s mom again. Can you give me a call? We miss you! I’m glad you took my advice, and I’m glad to hear late-night commons made a huge difference in the food scene there. You’re amazing. (Stars again. Call your parents! Even the shortest call makes all the difference, and will put a smile on their faces.)
Leo
(July 21–Aug. 22)
This week is a dirty chai and opus cookie week. The sky is out, let those thighs out. I know you’ve been using Euphoria as a crutch for your caffeine dependency and it’s never satiated you, but fret no longer. Tell that cool indie barista your drink of choice through the thick plexiglass and inhale the scents of familiarity through your mask as you slowly witness your HillCard’s balance start to evaporate. You deserve it.
Virgo
(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
The sun sets on a frisbee disk. Use the skills you’ve accumulated from throwing a frisbee by yourself all the summer as clout with those dark side boys on Minor Field. Show off your elite hammer and smile as they all watch in awe. Go get em, tiger.
Libra
(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
You gave them your sweater. It was just polyester. We wish we were heather too. It could be a tough week. Someone might start playing music over your shower music as you are taking a shower. People might leave a pair of sunglasses and a rogue HillCard on that third-floor SCCT room to “reserve” the room. It’s unfortunate. It’s not ideal. You’ll feel better soon. We believe in you.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Take a Claritin, Allegra, and inhale that Flonase because this week your allergies are back. A nice antihistamine might just make you go bonkers. Thank god you have that mask to absorb all of your sneezes during class. Wouldn’t want anyone to think that you have a disease or anything (maybe carry your emocha green badge for safety measures). Carry back-up masks for when you just can’t take it anymore. Good luck buddy, you’ll need it.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
There was a great obstacle in your way after the full moon. Maybe you didn’t howl loud enough this month. But it’ll be okay. Take a break and practice some of your skating moves on that basketball court next to Babbit Pavilion. Don’t let those lanky skater boys get in your way, you’re going to master that pop shove it. Next week will be better and your stars will most likely be aligned. But then again, I’m no Astrologer.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
Sign up for an extra COVID-19 test just to feel something. The way that Q-tip hits your nostrils in just the right way fills the hole of having to socially distance yourself from bae. Reclaim those deep breaths as you take off your mask for the 20 seconds of swabbing. Don’t forget to purell after you’re done! And now you can bask in the glory of keeping this campus safe too.