PHOTO COURTESY OF LANDRY
Through years of processing various forms of mental instability that arise from general insecurity and a troubled and cliche adolescence, I have found that most of the advice I have received from friends and therapists does not seem to fit with my self-destructive tendencies. This has always struck me as odd; why not indulge the impulses that will give you short-term enjoyment? Surely there must be others out there who are itching for an endorsement from someone (say, an opinion section editor for a school newspaper) of their damaging, but temporarily satisfying decisions.
And so, assuming as much, I embarked on a quest to give people like me the immoral encouragement needed for them to live their best, if shortest, lives. If you are reading this and are also looking for any excuse to make unhealthy decisions, follow these few easy steps to an idyllic and briefly fulfilling life.
Step 1:
Don’t confide in people. Throw your feelings onto them when you have reached a breaking point.
Are you having a rough week? Feeling overwhelmed by the seemingly unending flow of pointless work and minutiae that only serves to frustrate you? That is okay. Everyone feels like that sometimes. But now is not the time to process it. Now is the time to buckle down and just ignore the hell out of it. Never take a moment to yourself. Surround yourself with superficial interactions that can distract you momentarily. Watch gory movies while playing games on your phone until you cannot stay awake anymore. The key here is to not address your feelings until they boil over and you can vomit your emotions onto loved ones with no warning. This will not only further your bond as friends, but give you the opportunity to cry uncontrollably on the floor whilst drunk.
Step 2:
Let friendships flourish and wither.
“Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver, and the other gold.” This quote, while uplifting, will not let you do whatever you damn please. Don’t listen to it, it’s a quote for God’s sake are you really that spineless that you can’t stand up to fourteen words? Instead, try leaving behind old friends in search of newer, cooler friends. You don’t want to be a nerd forever, do you? Sacrifice your identity on the altar of friendship. Let go of the shackles of those close to you.
Step 3:
Your crush will never love you back, so abandon all hope and settle.
Oh man, it hurts to see them walking around campus, right? You care for them so much but you can never say it to them. Well, today is the best day to be brave and vehemently deny any feelings for them and find someone less intimidating who is kind of a bummer and difficult to talk to, but conveniently just as lonely. Score.
Step 4:
Learn a language.
Hey that’d be neat, yeah? Also a great excuse to drink heavily on weekdays because, like dad says, “You’re better at foreign words when you’re tipsy!”
Step 5:
Throw a fit and shirk all responsibility.
This is the last and most important step towards your emotional transformation into a soulless shell of a human being.
Find a very public place on campus and throw a big old tantrum. The bigger the better.
Then, be sure to follow up with your professors and tell them that you will be coming to class today, but you will not be happy about it.
