When I entered college, I did not set high expectations for my sex life. I never had a boyfriend in high school, and the furthest I went was holding hands with a boy in the dark after Robotics Club. I figured that the realm of sex was out of my reach, and that it was better to focus on academics instead of entering a half-baked situationship with my Bio 100 lab partner or that really hot guy I sat next to in Anthro 113. But all my friends had Tinder, so I tried it too, and after three failed dates with two nice girls and a pretty average guy, I felt pretty dejected. Was this all the Hamilton dating pool had to offer me? Or was I really not meant for the relationship life?
In a moment of panic and bad decision making, I met up with a senior in the bathroom of Tolles Pavilion. We had met through Jodel, and it was exhilarating in the moment because it felt like a real experience, one where I was doing something I probably should not be. The regret would come in droves later on, but in the moment, I knew it would be a formative memory. I remember returning to my small Dunham double afterwards, feeling numb and a little empty. During the next few months, I would try to avoid the guy like the plague which proved useless considering we happened to be in Commons at the same time almost every day. When he graduated, I felt so relieved. Looking back on that experience almost three years later, I thought about things I would do differently.
Firstly, I would not have met up with someone through Jodel. The anonymity was exciting but ultimately a mistake. I know people joke about hooking up on Jodel, and it does happen, but it often does not end well. It did not help that I was a freshman and he was a senior, and he even said that he would not normally go for someone so young. I felt used, but I was also aware that I had agency and consciously made the decision. I fully consented, and yet, regretted it the moment it happened.
Secondly, I should have waited. I did not need to rush the process, but the pressure and FOMO from seeing all my friends do fun and exciting stuff definitely got to me. I was jealous of my friends getting into relationships their freshman fall, and I was lonely, depressingly so. I tried to hide it and pretend that I did not care about relationships, but it is hard to not care when you are the seventh wheel in a friend group.
Thirdly, and probably most importantly, consent can be retracted at any time. I do not blame the guy for what happened at all, and I really consented in the beginning. But feeling uncomfortable definitely ruined the vibes for me, and he could probably tell as well. He did offer to reciprocate, which was nice, but after he talked about his sword (literally and figuratively) for an hour, I was simply not in the mood.
For all my freshmen out there, remember that love and sex and relationships are not necessary in college. If you want those things, you can probably find them. If you do not, that is completely okay too. And if you are feeling discouraged, try to focus and work on yourself before going out into the world. Otherwise, you just might succumb to the first guy you meet on Jodel. I unfortunately did not learn these lessons even after the Jodel incident, and had a hoe phase, but the hoe phase provides lots of content for this section.
Today, I am in a loving relationship of six months with a guy who truly understands and cares for me. I am glad I waited for him, and I feel a lot more mature and confident in myself.
“The Spectator between the sheets” is a weekly sex column sharing intimate experiences, advice and opinions. If you would like to contribute, email [email protected].
