Image courtesy of Vox.
The segment is back, offering new insights! Look towards our horoscopes to take stock of what you have to look forward to this week.
Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Aquarius
Feb. 19-March 20: Pisces
March 21-April 19: Aries
April 20-May 20: Taurus
May 21-June 20: Gemini
June 21-July 22: Cancer
July 23-Aug. 22: Leo
Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Virgo
Sept. 23-Oct. 22: Libra
Oct.23-Nov. 21: Scorpio
Nov. 22-Dec. 21: Sagittarius
Dec. 22-Jan. 19: Capricorn
Aries
Be wary of tall beings this week. Especially friendly ones. Keep your enemies close, but your tall friends closer. Remember: the color blue is auspicious for you. Wear it. Don’t despair it.
Taurus
Golly me! Love will surround you in a tender embrace this week…if you choose to accept it. Don’t shy away from surprise moments of intimacy, especially if they involve cheesy garlic naan. Mmm.
Gemini
I hear you. Valentine’s day is coming up and you hunger for sustenance and romance. If your hand is asked for accompaniment to a candle-lit breakfast, accept at all costs. However, if the asker blinks seven times through the duration of the inquiry, deny, deny, deny! They are not your friend.
Cancer
Reach out to an old acquaintance this week. They might not remember you, but feel free to chisel away at the walls of their weakened memory until you are the only name that they know. Then, corrupt the foundation of their mind with thoughts only of Hogwarts-themed pomodoro sessions.
Leo
Roar, lion, roar! Literally. When the comet cometh and emits its emerald hue, be not afraid. Roar, lion, roar!
Virgo
Dark days are ahead, but you might just be the light we need to survive the coming storm. Wear red for good tidings and keep a nickel in your pocket at all times. You are the chosen one. Don’t let us down.
Libra
Although your participation in the Super Bowl might not be the card you expected to be drawn this week, you have been called upon to complete the prophecy. Practice up and get your head in the game. Should they need you, you will play. We’ll see you on the field.
Scorpio
Might that be a bead of sweat on your forehead? Exhausted, perhaps? Wipe your brow, child! We recommend applying a snail mucin facemask, listening to the latest Meek Mill album, and watching
My Little Pony
. You’re welcome.
Sagittarius
Omigosh! The stars are ever in your favor this week. A sacrifice might sweeten the pot of your generous fortune. We take donations in the form of silver trinkets, cinnamon toast crunch, and hand holding. We will send our carrier ostrich for pick-up in three to five business days. Await him.
Capricorn
Pray tell, young one: What clouds your mind? Oh wait… I should know this. You must be facing a debt that needs to be repaid. No worries! Click twice the heels of your Air Jordans and watch your debt be expunged from the height of your worries.
Aquarius
What came first, the comet or the hue? Neither, fool! They are one, just as you shall be one with your passions this week. Make space for that which you love and that which you love will make space for you.
Pisces
Slam dunk! Good fortune awaits you this week. But be sure to avoid being third in line for McEwen ice cream, for in that spot you will find only despair. If you cannot avoid it, let this one message ring true: feast upon Oatmazing Vanilla and all good will be restored.