To help ease the spooky stress of indecision, I have compiled a list of some of this year’s hottest Halloween costumes. A scientific process informed by both technical and informative data, I classified costumes into five main categories — history, pun, group, lazy, and sports — in an effort to cater to as many genres of partygoer as possible. The following list is in no particular order.
History:
Like all too many modern holidays, Halloween has lost much of its original purpose and meaning, perverted by those unwilling to observe the day’s traditional theme of human death. This first costume is designed to appeal to the hardline traditionalist, someone unafraid to display their knowledge of ancient Celtic Samhain, an occasion for otherworldly spirits to visit the earth and cause trouble. To best evoke the festivity of the time, partygoers should don animal heads and skins, while making an effort to damage nearby crops and other private property.
Pun:
Almost nothing beats a good pun. The only thing better is a physically manifested, tangible pun, the embodiment of which will certainly amplify its comedic value. At this moment, Home Depots across the country are bracing for onslaughts of “quirky” millennials to pillage around 50 shades of gray each from the paint samples. But fortunately, you can do better. The ceiling fan (#1 ceiling!!) and blessing in disguise do remain good choices in spite of their popularity. The bible-referencing and fairly directive “wolf in sheep’s clothing” is a personal favorite.
Group:
Most data strongly supports the claim that many things are in groups. With this in mind, observers of Halloween turn to friends and other willing participants to distribute their “great ideas” across multiple bodies. As we know, the addition of surface area invariably leads to greater creativity in the design and execution of costumes. M&M’s always leave a bit to be desired, as does the spinoff of several instantiations of Eminem. Better alternatives include earth, wind, and fire — either the physical things or the band — and the Pep Boys; though with the latter, your group does have to do everything, for less.
Lazy:
To everybody’s surprise, the elaborate apparel and requisite accoutrements you dreamt up in the weeks preceding Halloween will be nowhere to be found when the day finally arrives. Countless costumes are borne of whatever can be quickly and conveniently located: cleaning supplies, used dental floss — anything, really. Strong options include the self-with-glasses (alternatively: the self-without-glasses), or the self-with-hat (alternatively: the self-without-hat, provided you often wear a hat).
Sports:
While this list was ostensibly constructed without rankings and in no particular order, I must confess that my commitment to costumal impartiality falters in the face of what can only be described as, objectively, the very best Halloween getup known to humankind. I’m speaking, of course, about the basketball jersey. Best complemented by white socks and white Air Force 1s, the basketball jersey is a perennial reminder of some of our most treasured American values: freedom of expression, sports, and the one-term presidency. But seriously, a basketball jersey is without doubt the best Halloween costume possible, please, wear one. I know I will.
