It seems like every year, evading political discussion over Thanksgiving dinner becomes harder and harder. After extremely contentious midterm elections that hinged upon many divisive issues that are certain to trigger “that one uncle,” you may feel yourself wondering whether these conversations are even possible. However futile it may seem, avoiding political discussions is not as difficult as you might think if you stick to some basic rules:
1. Patience.
However offensive or polarizing the rhetoric being spewed out of turkey and cranberry sauce-filled mouths may be, no family member wants to look like the immature one. As a young, not yet balding college student, you hold a tremendous amount of power over your older family members simply by being a constant reminder of the youth that they no longer possess. As such, if you take the moral high ground and respond to their broad political generalizations with careful, measured words, they will grow self-conscious of their immaturity and shrivel up into the corner of the table to drown their sorrows in wine and mashed potatoes.
2. Always agree with the chef.
Listen, we all know that Aunt Cheryl gets some weird power trip out of “running the kitchen” each year, and is unafraid of ruining Thanksgiving just to ensure that no one threatens her reign. And, yes, her views on the migrant caravan and Medicare make you want to punch a wall, but when it comes down to it she’s the only one who knows how to properly baste a turkey, so shut up and let her rant. She’s in control.
3. Sit at the kid’s table.
You may be 22-years-old, but if you want to preserve your sanity this holiday season, make the safe call and take a seat at the kid’s table. Depending on how old your cousins are, you’ll either end up in a self-sustaining liberal echo-chamber or flicking pieces of dinner rolls at each other. Either way, it’s better than sitting next to your devastatingly-still-sexuallyactive grandparents who interrupt obvious games of footsie under the table with moans about the glory of the Eisenhower era.
4. Don’t. Talk. About. The. Midterms.
This is a surefire way to screw everything up for everyone. It’s too recent. Focus on the 2016 election at most. Your safest bet is the Bush Administration. Time heals all.
5. Assert Yourself
If all else fails and you find yourself forced to stand your ground in a political conversation around the dinner table, embrace it. If your drunk uncle starts yelling about the sanctity of marriage and the “Kavanaugh Conspiracy,” don’t be afraid to call him out. If rule number one fails, and your family’s horrifying lack of shame and self-awareness prevents them from tapping out, let loose. Call them out on their bigotry. They started it, and now you should finish it. Thanksgiving was going to be a mess regardless, so why not kill it dead and start dreaming of a white Christmas, when your extended family will be far, far away in miserable, miserable Wisconsin.
