During the height of the 2020 Pandemic, socialization took unprecedented forms. Outdoor barbecues with a requirement that everyone wear a mask, holiday celebrations via Zoom and picnics with parties a yardstick a way from one another became commonplace. It was in this landscape that Hamilton College Philosophy Professor Alexandra Plakias delved into the concept of awkwardness. Originally Plakias had planned to tackle the question of awkwardness in the form of a paper but through her research she decided to expand her project into a book.
On Wednesday April 30, professors, philosophy students and others filed into the Burke Library 24-hour room to listen to Professor Plakias speak about her recently published book Awkwardness: A Theory.
Plakias began by reflecting on the etymology of the word awkwardness. The Old English origin of the word awkward is “look the wrong way,” she explained. It is a state of being out of sync with our surroundings: a form of social disorientation. Plakias characterizes awkwardness as a friction in a typically frictionless interaction. More generally, awkwardness ensues when people lack a social script.
She explained that social scripts provide cognitive maps of events and how they might unfold. Social scripts provide us with norms, stereotypes and dialogues. They also provide deviation: a way of navigating when a social situation takes an unprecedented turn. She identified our dependency on others when it comes to successfully navigating social scripts. We rely on others to read the social cues that we are conveying and reacting accordingly. She used the example of making small talk at a dinner party, if you are cracking jokes to make small-talk and the other person is not laughing… that would be awkward.
According to Plakias, awkwardness emerges out of humans’ strong desire to achieve social acceptance. She was interested in exploring how this yearning for social validation from others influences how people navigate social situations. “I have been interested in cases where we have a moral reason to do something but there are social pressures not to,” said Plakias. She wanted to explore questions like why we feel such pressure to be polite and why we care about social discomfort.
Plakias strove to dispel the misconception that awkwardness is an intrinsic problem. She argues that people are not awkward, but rather situations are. “We should be careful in how we attach awkwardness and how we attribute the source of the awkwardness,” said Plakias. The problem with categorizing someone as an “awkward person” is that it is “problematically ambiguous.” We risk attributing awkwardness to people based on power structures that grant some legitimacy based on external factors out of their control, like gender or disability, and “othering” people in the process. To ascribe a person with the label of “awkward,” is to alienate them. The word is subtly insidious by virtue of its ambiguity and currency in casual conversation. No one bats an eye when a person off-handedly calls a person awkward. But to Plakias, this labeling, while seeming innocent, poses a great social risk.
She also highlighted the idea that awkwardness reflects some form of “privilege.” The “Silicon Valley nerd” is exempt from the negative stigma around awkwardness, and it is instead a “social flex.” Even as an “awkward” person this sort of individual can still garner social respect. Whereas, Plakias mentioned, women are tasked with the greater burden of navigating awkward situations. “They are expected to fill in for men’s awkwardness with exceptional social skills,” said Plakias.
She drew the important distinction between awkwardness and embarrassment. Embarrassment is an emotion while awkwardness is something that happens. Embarrassment describes a scripted response to a “benign violation of a social norm.” She called embarrassment a “repair emotion.” Blushing, for example, is a noticeable way for someone to illustrate the uncomfortable nature of a situation. Awkwardness, instead, is a “freeze,” and something that people may not know how to get out of. She explained how these two concepts have different causes, so they have different remedies as well. Embarrassment is something that we want to avoid, while confronting awkwardness can involve bettering social scripts.
Plakias wanted to know why awkwardness bothers us so much. She suggested being perceived as awkward somehow indicates that you don’t know something that you are supposed to, and that you are an outsider, which can be very stressful. She explained the socially constructed ideal that successful socializing is supposed to appear effortless. Mentioning the concept of the “try hard,” those whose effort to succeed in a social situation is evident have come to be perceived in a negative light. This person’s effort somehow identifies them as an “outsider.” Table manners are another prime example of how social norms can be used to “other” people. Manners can be used to “erect boundaries,” said Plakias. She joked that all of the intricacies of table manners are almost purposefully exclusionary.
Awkwardness can also be a useful tool. Plakias explained that it can be “a way of calling out the unstated assumptions in a question or joke.” She used the example of a distasteful comment at a dinner party. The awkward silences indicate the social unacceptability or rudeness of someone’s comment, without the need to explicitly address it. Another positive aspect of awkwardness is how it shows that you care about people around you.
Plakias emphasized that “awkwardness is not a personal failing, but an opportunity for growth.” She argued that awkwardness is an inevitable part of changing social norms, and should not be confused with a personality trait or emotion.
She has considered furthering her exploration on social pressures and moral dynamics through researching what makes someone charismatic versus cringe. Plakias noted that charisma indicates a person’s ability to improvise a “social script.” Plakias will continue to explore the theatrics involved in socializing, and the intersections of psychology and moral theory.
