We realize how tough it has been. We (and the stars) are here with you. So instead of picking up your phone and checking on your co-star, stay here, as we — the stars, have some horoscopes for you.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Now from the top, make it drop, you’ve found yourself practicing all the new TikTok dances during your classes. Even though your PE class may be on Zoom, practicing the WAP dance on repeat doesn’t exactly replace doing yoga. This week you’ll find yourself in a rhythm, whatever that means. Good luck.

Pisces

(Feb. 19–March 20)

You’re either a skater or you’ve been admiring the skaters on campus. This week is the week you finally get that move you’ve been struggling with. You’ve fallen one too many times trying to do that kickflip or maybe getting that grind. OR maybe you’ve been watching that skater ride across campus, admiring their skill. Take on skating and befriend them. Easy.

Aries

(March 21–April 19)

Your new normalcy is getting too repetitive. Start taking risks. Ask that person in your Econ class out. Get Pub dinner. Say hi to someone you pass by everyday on Martin’s Way. Go running with a cross country kid. Step outside of your comfort zone. Go stupid, go crazy.

Taurus

(April 20–May 20)

The stars must not take a political stance, but we find it of utmost importance to fill out your absentee ballot. As we are a mouthpiece from the sun, we have heard of something called an “election” coming up. This will be very important.

Gemini (

May 21–June 20)

The stars wish you the best of luck on your test coming up next week. The stars aren’t “big STEM guys” or anything but we suggest watching a lot of Bill Nye the science guy. We’ve been told that this is an excellent way of studying. No need to worry about the textbook. You’re welcome.

Cancer

(June 21–July 22)

Hi, honey, it’s mom. I noticed you spent significant amounts of money on “vitamin C supplements,” ramen, and this place called “euphoria?” Like a lot. To be honest, it’s quite concerning. Please spend more money on doordash and get yourself a good meal. Love, mom.

Leo

(July 21–Aug. 22)

After binging Love is Blind, Too Hot To Handle, and Selling Sunset this summer, you have an inkling to be the next Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant. It’s in your stars that you will be the next face of a new Netlix’s reality series. Just maybe get a nose job and botox and you’ll be set.

Virgo

(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Ciao! Just because you’re taking a language doesn’t mean you can speak it fluently. I know you grinded on Duolingo this summer, but you’re not all that. Please. At this point it is getting annoying. Give it up. Or don’t. Honestly, who are we to tell you. Just do you.

Libra

(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

You’re having a diner pizza instead of a Mcewen pizza type of week. It’s okay, just maybe try getting a Caesar salad and a muffin. Next week, you’ll get some Tony’s takeout and everything will fall back into place.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

A new wave of uneasiness has fallen upon you and it’s simply rooted in the fact that you feel like something is missing. That thing is going to eat you up until you find it. Take a walk in the Glen by yourself, meditate deep on the rugby field while watching the sunset, take a moment for yourself. This week is for self-reflection and self-care.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

You’ve been feeling a little lost lately, it may be that your chakras aren’t aligned. You must follow an exact number of steps to get back to your usual self. 1) Go to diner breakfast to simulate the diner b feeling. 2) Go get the COVID test to feel something again (and protect our campus!). 3) Wear your mask. If you follow these steps, you will be ok.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

You have embarked on a great journey — getting through this semester and keeping good grades. The stars believe in you. It will get better, we promise. Luckily, a place called “late night Commons” has opened and the moon has pointed to this as a place of great happiness.