One of the biggest issues that I encountered in my transition from high school to college was having sex for the first time before freshmen year started. Coming from an all-girls school, this topic was rarely discussed or acted upon; it only became a frequent topic of discussion in group chats with high school friends as people slowly entered the contemporary college worlds, which are dominated by the hookup culture. The notion of virginity has long been a topic of discussion between young adults, with increasing social pressures to have sex before coming to college. On a campus that is so heavily dominated by casual sex, virginity is seen as a taboo subject, seemingly fraught with emotional turmoil and attachment. So much of the rhetoric surrounding this topic is alarmist and definitive, when, in reality, everyone experiences it differently. So buckle up kiddos, because I’m about to drop some truth about the old “v-card.”
1. Virginity is a social construct.
VIRGINITY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT. Seriously. The notion of virginity was created as a means to control women’s sexuality and sexualize young girls. It was a concept created hundreds of years ago to assign a value to women based on whether or not they had had sex before marriage. This societal fixation of “purity” is outdated and, quite frankly, creepy. Although this concept was originally focused on women, it fits in with the broader narrative about virginity and self-worth. You’re not “losing” anything when you have sex for the first time, and your self-worth is absolutely
not
attached to how many people you have slept with.
2. Being “too clingy” after losing your virginity is bullsh*t.
If someone doesn’t want to have sex with you purely based on the fact that you’re a virgin, time to cut that off A.S.A.P. Someone who is a good sexual partner (and honestly a good person) will care about your level of comfort before, during, and after any sexual act and any point in your relationship. That person will even care about your feelings every time you have sex, too — whether it’s your first time or your hundredth. It’s perfectly normal to care about your sexual experiences and being comfortable with who you’re having sex with. Wanting to have your first sexual experience with someone that you know well or feel comfortable with doesn’t make you clingy, nor does it mean that you have to date the person after.
3. There’s no “right” way or time to lose your virginity.
Whether you choose to have sex for the first time with your long-term partner, someone you just met, or your best friend, none of these are the textbook “right” people to have your first sexual encounter with. Everyone is ready to have sex at a different point in their lives. Some people have been in a relationship for months or years since they aren’t ready to have sex for the first time. Some are comfortable having sex with someone they meet that evening. Some people fall in between. No matter what you might see in the movies or read in teen magazines, there is no textbook, perfect way to have sex. Everybody is different and everyone develops at different times in different ways.
4. Sex is not a life-defining experience.
Yes, it may change your relationship with the person you’re doing it with, but it doesn’t change your entire personhood. You’re not “becoming an adult” when you have sex for the first time. You’re simply experiencing something for the first time, but that doesn’t have to be life-altering.
Conversations about sex are always going to be polarizing and somewhat stigmatized. Coming onto campus having not had sex before can make you feel like you’re on the outside of a bubble of conversation, looking in. However, this is not something to let dominate you and influence all of your choices. Truly, there is a lid for every pot! The right time to have sex will come when you’re ready, no matter what anyone else says.
