The National Hockey League’s 101st season of operation will start on Oct. 4. The NHL welcomes the league’s 31st team — The Las Vegas Golden Knights — who will begin the season with their roster of players picked up in free agency and players drafted from every other team in the league. In the wake of what will surely be another exciting season and another post-season disappointment for Capitals fans everywhere, I present to you my humble and variable predictions for this season’s regular season and playoffs.

Atlantic Division

Boston Bruins

: I cannot hide my flaming hatred for all things Boston Bruins, but I will begrudgingly give the Bruins some credit. They will have an average season; Zdeno Chára will get away with far fewer major penalties than he deserves; and Patrice Bergeron will win some sort of award for his defensive play. Prediction: First wild card spot, but losing in the first round.

Buffalo Sabres

: The Sabres will ride their Jack Eichel wave to limited success. Kyle Okposo is another highlight in the Buffalo roster, though Buffalo needs to find a way to deal with Evander Kane’s flashiness and excessive contract to shed some cap space. Prediction: the Sabres are not even close to making the playoffs.

Detroit Red Wings

: Clearly suffering after the departure of legendary coach Mike Babcock for the young and talented Toronto team, the Red Wings will seek to regroup and succeed again yet ultimately fall short. Prediction: the Red Wings will not make the playoffs.

Florida Panthers

: The Panthers have a strong group of forwards and a brilliant young defenseman in Aaron Ekblad, but still need some work before they can top the Atlantic as they once did. Prediction: will be very middle of the pack, but not make the playoffs.

Montréal Canadiens

: The Habs took their many seasoned veterans, including superstar goaltender Carey Price and relatively newly-acquired Shea Weber and rose to the top of the Atlantic last season. Despite this, they still found limited success in playoffs. Regardless, I think that the Canadiens will churn out another strong season of good ol’ Canadian hockey. Prediction: the Habs will get to the second round, but lose to the Leafs’ youth.

Ottawa Senators

: The Sens have been rising through the ranks of late, and were aided by the infamous “Hamburglar” goaltender a few seasons back. Last year Craig Anderson played another inspirational season, and star defenseman Erik Karlsson’s awe-inspiring hockey flow was unhindered. The Sens will find success again. Prediction: first round loss in the playoffs.

Tampa Bay Lightning

: Steven Stamkos will once again be electric, and Vasilevsky and Hedman will provide strong presences as well, but the Lightning will not recreate their playoff success of a few seasons ago. Prediction: no Lightning playoff appearance.

Toronto Maple Leafs

: Everyone’s favorite Canadian team (fight me) has found renewed success with Mike Babcock as coach and with an exciting roster of young and energetic players. After Auston Matthews’ absolutely jaw-dropping debut game (four goals in one game) and season (40 goals), the Maple Leafs proved themselves to be a team rocketing to the top. Marner, Nylander, and more will join Matthews in making the Maple Leafs a force to contend with. Prediction: the Leafs will take the Atlantic, but not the East; they will lose to the Pens in the third round.

Metropolitan Division

Carolina Hurricanes

: Dreamy Noah Hanifin cannot even get this team to the playoffs, despite a strong core including Jordan Staal and Cam Ward. The team will have a wonderful summer golfing as they are squeezed out of the uber-competitive Metropolitan Division yet again. Prediction: tee up, boys.

Columbus Blue Jackets

: Backed by the absolutely sensational, perfect, and wonderful human being Sergei Bobrovsky, Columbus made an incredible year out of the 2016–17 season, grabbing 108 points. If Bobrovsky can continue his inspirational play and the offense can keep scoring as much as they did, I envision another strong showing for the Blue Jackets. Prediction: the Blue Jackets will get knocked out first round, but will force seven games.

New Jersey Devils

: Not even the first pick in the draft can turn around the team quickly. This season, I feel very pessimistic about the chances for New Jersey’s lone major league sports team. If you want a good laugh, I’m sure you can turn on a Jersey game and watch them try to figure out which end of the stick to hold. Prediction: they’ll be holding the curved end.

New York Islanders

: The Islanders have an exciting amount of youth on their team, as well as the veteran presence of superstar Jonathan Tavares, but will strugle with the incredible competition in the Metropolitan Division once again. Look for them to perform well during the regular season, but just miss the wild card spots. Prediction: The Islanders will miss the playoffs, but you will feel sort of bad about it.

New York Rangers

: The Rangers are worth the watch for the effervescently charismatic (yet aging) Henrik Lundqvist, and without the incredible backup of Cam Talbot (now backstopping the rising Oilers), they may suffer a bit as Lundqvist ages up and out of the New York team. Prediction: the Rangers will fall just short and you will feel sort of bad about this one, too.

Philadelphia Flyers

: Philly sports have the unique, lovely quality of providing immense hope before ripping your heart out, and I don’t expect this season to be any different. Last season, the Flyers were the only team in NHL history to have a 10-game win streak and still miss the playoffs. The only bright spots for Philadelphia are the always-consistent Wayne Simmonds, and incredible depth and talent in the minor leagues. Look for these rookies to make their debuts this season, and for the Flyers to somehow force their way into the second wild card spot. Prediction: quick first-round loss.

Pittsburgh Penguins

: The Stanley Cup repeaters will once again put up a strong presence. Olympic diver Sidney Crosby will probably win the Art Ross Trophy; Malkin and Letang will irritatingly rack up a lot of points too, and Matt Murray’s new position as starting goaltender over the much loved Marc André-Fleury will allow the stupid Penguins to make it far yet again. Prediction: the Penguins take the East yet again, but lose in the Stanley Cup.

Washington Capitals

: Oh, the Caps. We all know what is going to happen, and it is what happens every season. Watch for the Caps to have the best record in the entire NHL, then choke in the second round of the playoffs. I do not even need to explain this one. Prediction: do I even have to say this? The Caps will cruise through to the second round then get thoroughly demoralized.

Central Division

Chicago Blackhawks

: Everyone’s reliable favorite, the Hawks are an easy bet for a team to have a solid season and then to do well in the playoffs. Last year’s big upset was the second wildcard Nashville Predators shutting out the Hawks in the first round of the playoffs, and I just cannot envision this happening again. Then again, I could not envision it in the first place… Prediction: a tough second-round loss for the Blackhawks.

Colorado Avalanche

: Who are they? How have they won two cups? Do they even have a roster? All excellent questions. The Avalanche had an abysmal 48 points last season. Even if they doubled their points, they would still barely make a wild card spot. Prediction: I hear the ‘Canes are looking for golf partners.

Dallas Stars

: I firmly reject the idea of hockey in Texas, but I have to accept it at this point. Or do I? Prediction: the Dallas Stars will stay in Dallas (like they should), and I will try not to stress about Québec City not having a franchise yet.

Minnesota Wild

: The official state of hockey in the USA has enjoyed recent success from the Wild. Suter, Staal, Dubnyk, Parise, and more have made this team a contender, and yet they struggled at the end of last season right before the playoffs. Prediction: the Wild will not make it past the first round.

Nashville Predators

: The Preds shocked the NHL when they rose from the second wild card in the West all the way to face the defending champs Pittsburgh in the Stanley Cup Finals. Will they repeat this success? I doubt it. But I do think they will put up a good fight. Prediction: the Preds will not make it past the first round either, unable to recreate their original success.

St. Louis Blues

: I honestly do not know nearly enough about the Blues despite their strong play last season and the name-recognition of Vladimir Tarasenko. I am going to take the wild guess that they do better this year than the last, just because I do not know any better. Prediction: the Blues take the Central, then lose to the Pacific champ.

Winnipeg Jets

: The Jets have not been doing so well lately, but Patrik Laine’s inspirational youth and talent has infused new excitement into the team. They will do better, but not much. Prediction: Laine will be able to finish off his teenage years by sitting near the middle of the Central Division.

Pacific Division

Anaheim Ducks

: I hate the Ducks with a burning passion, and I think Corey Perry is a dumb goon who is better suited to doing WWE than playing hockey. Even so, they will do well and make it inappropriately far into the playoffs. Prediction: a third-round loss will cause the Ducks to lose the Pacific.

Arizona Coyotes

: With Shane Doan’s retirement, the ‘Yotes may benefit by being able to turn to newer, younger players. Max Domi’s energy at the left wing cannot turn this team around that quickly though, and Arizona will remain at the bottom yet again. Prediction: the rink will still be half-empty, and their trophy case will still be all-empty.

Calgary Flames

: I want so badly for the Flames to succeed, partly because Calgary as a concept is neat, and partly because Monahan and Gaudreau have the best bromance in the league. However, their performance in the 2016–17 playoffs did not fill me with confidence. Prediction: the Flames will just barely miss the second wildcard spot.

Edmonton Oilers

: My second-favorite team has benefitted wildly from stars in McDavid, Draisaitl, and Talbot, and has found reliable depth in Lucic (never thought I would say that), Maroon, and Nugent-Hopkins. Letestu put up a fabulous playoff performance, and I think it is only up from here. The long drought in Alberta is over, my friends. Prediction: Oilers will win the Stanley Cup, buoyed by youth, the city of Edmonton, and incredible depth.

Los Angeles Kings

: The well-loved Kings were noticeably absent from the playoffs last year, but I have a good feeling about them this year. Something has to click, especially given the sheer amount of consistent talent in the team’s offense. They will slide into the playoffs with third place in the Pacific. Prediction: the Kings will lose out in the first round.

San Jose Sharks

: The Sharks squeezed into the playoffs last year and tied the Blues for points, and now I have exhausted my knowledge about San Jose. Oh, I do know that Brent Burns has a fantastic beard. Has Joe Thornton retired yet? Prediction: Joe Thornton will retire.

Vancouver Canucks

: If it were not for the abysmal Colorado Avalanche, the Canucks would be the undisputed trash can of the NHL. They are bad… really bad. I see them doing a bit better, but someone has to be in the bottom three. Prediction: let’s just call this a “rebuilding period.”

Vegas Golden Knights

: Ah, the mystery of the season. Everyone knows that expansion teams are always horrible their first couple of seasons, and the Knights will likely be no different. However, they have the ever-capable Gerard Gallant at the helm, and a fantastic goaltender in Marc André-Fleury. I am going to make the bold guess that they will somehow slide in with the second wildcard spot in the West. Prediction: oh, the Golden Knights definitely get crushed in the first round of the playoffs. Also, see: Québec City.