One’s sexual experiences are perhaps one of the most stressful aspects of one’s college career, especially in the first year. Is coming to college without having had sex a bad thing? Is it socially taboo to have no interest in participating in the hookup culture? What counts as actually having sex? Does just oral sex count towards my sexual experience? These are all good questions. In the mix of the first year, where everyone seems to have done more exciting stuff than the last person you awkwardly introduce yourself to, it is easy to be insecure about your sexual experience and, in turn, lie about it. In fact, many do. An article from the satirical publication
The Onion
claimed “Teenage Boys Losing Virginity Earlier and Earlier, As Reported By Teenage Boys.” Although this article is clearly a joke, it does point to a larger issue about the rhetoric surrounding sexual experience.
Why is the amount of sex we’ve had in the past so important? Why is this aspect of our lives so closely tied to our self-worth? This topic, which realistically is a very private and personal one, suddenly seems to be everyone’s business. The talk of one’s “number” or “body count,” referencing how many people one has slept with, becomes an empirical and definitive value that guides one’s actions, especially on the weekends. This insecurity about sexual experience cuts both ways; it’s bad to have too little experience, and equally bad to have too much. This dichotomy makes it seemingly impossible to have a functional and appropriate sex life on this cesspool of a campus. News spreads so quickly that it is even more difficult to maintain any kind of privacy about who you’re hooking up with.
So how do we combat this culture where such a premium is placed on sexual experience and information about it? How do we maintain any privacy and, in turn, respect for one another?
Respect
, for one. Not gossiping about how many people someone on this campus has had sex with, and not using that information to cast judgment on others. Not many people do this consciously, but it is easy to slip into making backhanded comments on someone’s sexual activity. Doing so is dehumanizing to both individuals involved, and we forget that these are people’s real lives that we’re discussing so casually.
Not placing value on how many people someone has had sex with
. When talking about the hookup culture on this campus, it is easy to fall into a pattern of guilt and shaming about how much sexual experience one has had. This can often come in a backhanded form, even from your friends. Jokes about someone having a “type” or hooking up with individuals who are members of the same organization can actually be quite damaging, as they lead one to question their sexual decisions and creates an ethos of shame. You’re not owed an explanation as to why two people chose to have sex.
Take ownership of your own experience
. No matter how many people you’ve had sex with, own it! Be proud of the fact that you’re making your own decisions and choosing what is right for you. Be empowered by the choices you’ve made, but don’t let them define you — this is just one piece of the pie that makes you up. And stand by this! Don’t let anyone tell you that the way you’ve experienced sex is bad or wrong. No one has the authority to tell you what the best way to have sex is, so be confident in your experiences thus far.
Sexual experience is something everyone loves to talk about, to the point where it’s practically an obligation in social situations. This isn’t always a bad thing, as it helps many people, but when the conversation turns critical or judgmental it becomes problematic. Your sexual experience is just that: your own. No one can take control of it or tell you how to act or think or feel. Maybe we need to recognize the private nature of sex, and how invasive these conversations can be. Hopefully going forward we can move towards a tone of support and empathy, rather than trivializing someone’s experience or being critical of their choices. We have to go about these conversations from a perspective of empathy and care in order to have more sex-positive conversations so that individuals can feel more comfortable seeking the support they need.
