POV: You’re reading this week’s horoscopes and you think to yourself “I feel attacked,” but you keep reading anyway. Enjoy.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
It’s been a tumultuous week. A tumultuous year, to be frank. But don’t forget the support system that you have. Your friends, faculty that you feel comfortable confiding in, and Jodel. Just hold on tight for a few more weeks and take a deep breath.
Pisces
(Feb. 19–March 20)
Call home. They’re worried about you. Heard you’ve been living off of Pop Tarts and wasabi peas. That is not a balanced meal. Check-in on them too. This is a time to reach out to those who need assurance and a friendly word. Step up.
Aries
(March 21–April 19)
OK, I know the weather hasn’t been ideal. It’s cold! When did all of the leaves fall? Make a mug of hot chocolate and cozy up under a fuzzy blanket. It’s spooky season so capitalize on all of the movie watching you can do!
Taurus
(April 20–May 20)
Now I know you’re about to dress up like a black cat on Saturday. Don’t do it. Be original, come on! Get creative! Here are some options that aren’t basic: a Hamilton Skunk, a Campo Officer, a Darkside E-boy with a longboard, and if you want to be a bit scandalous, I say Borat wearing a mask (IYKYK).
Gemini (
May 21–June 20)
Hey there Geminis. How’s it going? Thought I would drop in, see how you guys are holding up. Not great? Yeah, me neither. But hey! Scopus is popping off this week for lunch. Go drop 5 bucks on yourself. You deserve it.
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
The pumpkin on your ledge is good. I mean, I won’t use the word “basic” but… I’m glad you’re embracing the Halloween season. The perfect time to eat your feelings AND be someone else. I say it’s a win-win situation. But maybe that’s just me.
Leo
(July 21–Aug. 22)
You look cute today, but not spectacular. Maybe it’s the weather? Your week started off rocky, almost like an avalanche. But there’s a light at the end of this never-ending tunnel and if anyone can get to it, it’s you. You’re a strong baddie.
Virgo
(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Stay away from skunks this week. I know how bad you want to be featured on one of the two skunk Instagram pages, but this week, DO NOT RISK IT. I’m warning you. But who am I to tell you anything? Try for yourself. Good luck ordering tomato juice on Amazon.
Libra
(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Take a deep breath and watch a classic Disney Halloween Blockbuster. I suggest binging the Halloweentown tetralogy, but that’s just me. I mean you could go down the path of Tim Burton, but I was thinking more wholesome, less TikTok trend.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
OK, it’s time to order your last-minute Halloween costume so that you can take pictures with your cohort and then switch back into sweatpants. Do it all for the ‘gram.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
This week is all about reflection. Think back to all that has happened these past few days. Is there anything you could do better or wish you could change? What can you improve for next week? Close your eyes and astral project baby.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
Boo! Time to completely embody the holiday. Friday is supposed to have snow, Saturday is a full moon, Sunday is Daylight Savings. This weekend is a hotspot for a spooky time. Maybe it’s time to turn to superstition because who knows what’s about to come out this Halloweekend.
