When scrolling through Facebook a few days ago, I saw a tweet that was arguably one of the funniest I had ever seen. “Dear big girls: Don’t be afraid to get on top. If he dies, he dies,” it read. I cackled and quickly shared it with my friends and we all revelled in the relatability of this post. Nevertheless, this topic is a relevant one. At some point or another during sex, I’m sure we all have wondered how we look from a certain angle or if our double chin is too prominent. But why does any of this matter? Since when is attractiveness determined only in terms of how we appeal to our current partner? Body confidence in bed is such an important thing to have and to talk about, as it can lead to a much healthier sexual experience.
For years, health magazines have touted headlines like “Five Ways to Look Better Naked” and “Look Hotter When You’re On Top!” While these sentiments may be shared widely among women, they become incredibly problematic for a number of reasons. This toxic focus on appearance is incredibly damaging as it paints a rigid picture of what is “attractive” and who is worthy of this title.
Why isn’t my body enough to begin with? Why do I have to do 12 different abdominal exercises just to be deemed attractive enough to have sex? These articles preach an almost backwards version of confidence — in order to love your body, you have to change it. To be good in bed, you have to be a white woman with perfect skin and teeth, a size two, and perfectly toned abs. “If you don’t fit any of these criteria, don’t worry — these exercises will fix everything and you will be worthy of love and great sex,” these articles articulate. It is much more important to teach people that body confidence should come from loving yourself and your body, not from chasing down an ideal, which, frankly, doesn’t exist. Everyone is worthy of loving their body, no matter their appearance.
Loving your body is something you should do for yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to change how you look, as long as you are doing it on your own terms and are going about it in a healthy way. This is not something that you can do to make a partner happier, yet, this has not been reflected in national media. Meghan Trainor’s chart-topping song “All About That Bass” details how happy the singer is with her body, but only in terms of how she is perceived by other men and potential sexual partners. What’s the point of preaching body confidence and self-love if it’s only for the purpose of being attractive to men? Shouldn’t you just love your body because you can, and you should? Your relationship with your body is such a personal one — don’t let anyone else invade it.
These articles are also incredibly exclusionary. They are almost always written by a cisgender heterosexual woman, and target individuals of the same demographic trying to appeal to men. This type of language is heteronormative and minimizes the experiences of those who are not straight or cisgender. Everyone must be included in these conversations about body confidence during sex; writing these articles with heteronormative language does the exact opposite. People of all races, gender identities, and sexualities experience these kinds of insecurities.
Learning to accept your body is a lifelong journey, and how you “look” in bed is one of the least important things to think about during sex. If you have any doubts, your partner should make you feel confident in bed, not the opposite. If they don’t, let that one go as soon as possible. Your love for your body and confidence comes from you and you alone. Relying on someone else for this reassurance doesn’t make these insecurities go away. Loving your body isn’t narcissistic; it is a critical way to have a more positive sexual experience. You don’t need your partner or anyone else to do that — this is for you.
