We are almost halfway through the second semester, and it is midterms season. Challenges will arise, stress will always be here, but luckily you have our horoscopes to rely on to get you through a stressful day.
January 20-February 18:
Aquarius
February 19-March 20:
Pisces
March 21-April 19:
Aries
April 20-May 20:
Taurus
May 21-June 20:
Gemini
June 21-July 22:
Cancer
July 23-August 22:
Leo
August 23-September 22:
Virgo
September 23-October 22:
Libra
October 23-November 21:
Scorpio
November 22-December 21:
Sagittarius
December 22-January 19:
Capricorn
Aquarius
The half-moon portends that luck is in your favor, but only for half of the time. Every other thing that will happen to you will be lucky, and every other thing that will happen to you between those will be incredibly unlucky. So before you buy a lottery ticket, do something inconsequential. And be careful not to crash your car on the way to buy it.
Pisces
You have some fake friends. They think that they can throw you bait and you will bite it because your sign is a fish, but prove them wrong. Be like a piranha and eat
them
instead of the bait. Cannibalism occurs frequently in the animal kingdom, in over 1,500 species including humans. Just saying.
Aries
Just because you are a ram does not mean you should be like the St. Louis Rams and relocate to Los Angeles. Stick with what you are doing, even if it is not making you much money or meeting little success. Sometimes it is worth it to stick it out through the hard times. But you also have to realize when it is time to pack up for LA.
Taurus
Each of the stars in your constellation have reached their highest spiritual potential; it is time for your great awakening. In the coming week, a vision will come to you in your sleep and you would do best to follow it. It may disguise itself as a regular dream but do not let this deter you. Afterwards, you must walk 40 days and 40 nights through the desert until you hear the voice of God speak to you. He will tell you what to do from there.
Gemini
There is no easy way to say this to you, but it looks like you are going to contract coronavirus. The CDC advises you to seek health care treatment immediately if you experience coughing, shortness of breath, and a fever. It is recommended you avoid contact with others for up to two weeks, or until symptoms disappear. If you absolutely must leave your house or medical care, wear a mask to avoid spreading the virus to others.
Cancer
I noticed you missed your most recent tuition payment, so we had to pick it up for you. It is time to find another job. Hard work holds together our great American nation, and we did not raise you to be a bum. Your tuition will not pay itself. Your mother and I are counting on you to help us out. Love, Dad.
Leo
If you are a Democrat, you must vote in the Democratic primary in April. The stars abstain from taking political positions, but we have our eyes on a certain candidate that would lead our country quite well, and we have a feeling you will vote for this candidate.
Virgo
You will find yourself in a position of great power and virtually no responsibility in the coming week. Great thinkers often say that with great power comes great responsibility, but this is not true in your case. Do whatever you want with this power; no one will stop you.
Libra
Global cultural and economic influence will gradually shift away from the United States in the century to come. Start learning Chinese as soon as you can, and avoid investing too heavily in US-based corporations. Get rid of your individualist, capitalistic mindset. As the world grows increasingly connected, a cooperative worldview will prove necessary to overcome the challenges of the future. International communism may triumph over American consumerism.
Scorpio
For some inexplicable reason, you are going to turn into a sea urchin. It will happen without warning, so make sure you prepare a suitable salt-water habitat that a friend or relative can throw you into should the transition happen too quickly and you cannot make it to the sea. As soon as the transition is complete, have this person drive you to the ocean and throw you in. Your new life will actually be quite pleasant. Sea urchins can live up to 200 years.
Sagittarius
Congratulations! You will find the missing sock of every incomplete pair you have! This is an incredibly rare astrological event, and you should not take such good fortune lightly. If you would like to continue for good things to happen to you, send three payments of $75 to the National Astrological Society, Parcfodaol NY, 13802, PO Box 10431.
Capricorn
Surprise! Lucky you, your horoscope has been delivered in the form of a riddle:
Things like this may come to be
Some time past the fifth of March
You must travel to the sea
Swim until you see the arch.
