The segment is back, offering new insights! Look towards our horoscopes to take stock of what you have to look forward to this week.
Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Aquarius
Feb. 19-March 20: Pisces
March 21-April 19: Aries
April 20-May 20: Taurus
May 21-June 20: Gemini
June 21-July 22: Cancer
July 23-Aug. 22: Leo
Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Virgo
Sept. 23-Oct. 22: Libra
Oct.23-Nov. 21: Scorpio
Nov. 22-Dec. 21: Sagittarius
Dec. 22-Jan. 19: Capricorn
Aries
Success! Congrats on your exploratory Spring Break, Aries! (Or should I say good night, wink, wink). In the coming days, try to avoid desperate texts sent at 3 a.m.. Dude, she’s just not that into you.
Taurus
Dear child, I know your heart longs for peace. Worry not: prolonged meditation sessions are on the horizon! Remember to stretch, indulge in a shiny rock and take your time.
Gemini
Chillax! Don’t rush love. Remember things come in cycles. It’s no big deal! The stress of yesteryear hath no bearing on todayyear. Take that long shower. Don’t rush to switch your laundry. No one’s waiting.
Cancer
Go to Commons on Friday. Wear something purple (maybe a FebFest beanie?) or glittery. Play chubby bunny with the marshmallows. Or else.
Leo
Go get ’em tiger! I see that you have an upcoming midterm (’tis the season). Be not afraid. If you drink red Mountain Dew the night before, you shall feel revitalized and prepared to conquer your professor’s inner demons. That’s what the exam is, right?
Virgo
Beware! You have not been diligent in following your instructions, and now even darker days are ahead. If you want to avoid your impending doom, you must complete the 12 labors of Heracles.
Libra
How mischance! You bet on the wrong team. Now your brother has bragging rights! Whatever to do?
Take some time to reflect, Libra. Maybe you’re the problem.
Scorpio
What, ho! By my sheath, I swear you will have a most productive week! Your roommate will be quiet at the desired hours (how confounding!). If you wish to double your fortune, corn is an auspicious color for you.
Sagittarius
Wowzers! This week, TikTok fame is on your path. Vengeance also awaits thee. Not sure how these are related, but the spirits are tricky. Write to us to let us know when you find out.
Capricorn
Plague be upon thee, Capricorn! For damn it, I love you (most ardently)! If you return my love, the List pigeon will heed your every command, and may even bring you a little treat. It’s mine though. Please return it. Remember I’m in charge of how your week goes.
Aquarius
By these ten bones! Aquarius, it’s time to get into yoga. You’ve been putting it off for weeks now, but upon the rising of the fourth day, the motivation will strike and you’ll look extra good in those yoga pants! Take heed, and march on.
Pisces
Upon one’s honor, you plume of feathers! How could you!? You know what I’m talking about. We all know. No wonder the groundhog told the inner circle he doesn’t trust you anymore. However, your luck may change! The groundhog requests a pinecone. Bring it, posthaste!
