As much as we strive to be there for our friends in times of need, the challenge of establishing a good climate for such communication can undermine our efforts to be supportive. Even in the closest of friendships, the task of consoling someone is often intimidating. On the other hand, it is frustrating to seek out a friend who is not equipped to provide the kind of relief we need.

While knowing how to comfort someone depends on a combination of factors — including the intimacy of the relationship and the preferences of the person in distress — there are some universal communication practices that we can use to successfully create a supportive climate and community.

Confirmation lies at the heart of this climate. Confirming responses are those that make the speaker feel valued by recognizing and endorsing his or her thoughts. The instinct to reply “it’s okay” to a friend’s distress placates rather than confirms; while well-intentioned, this lack of meaningful acknowledgement often discounts the legitimacy of a friend’s emotions. As a matter of fact, something along the lines of “yeah, this sucks” is a better way to make a speaker feel validated. Establishing this sense of understanding can also help a friend feel less alone.

Recognizing the intended meaning of someone’s point is another step toward creating confirming responses. Just listen; often, that’s all you need to do to be a good friend.

We’ll all be faced with times when we need a shoulder to cry on and when we need to provide one. Taking steps to establish a comforting communication climate can help us create the the relief we need, both on and off the Hill.